Another weekend went by and was completely ruined, but I have clean door knobs and base boards! I have been very stressed out lately. I have way too much going on in my life and I don't think I can handle much more. I just wonder why all these things are happening to me, and in turn my OCD gets worse. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything. I can't explain it.
Chad left Saturday morning for the Talladega race on Sunday and I decided that this weekend was going to be about the kids. Saturday I had to hurry up and go to the grocery store before Chad left. I bought all kinds of fun food to eat over the weekend. I took them shopping, with their own money, and they bought some new toys and books. Hayden had a football game later that day so after the game I took them to Sonic for a drink (mmm Ocean Water) and then home for pizza. We made pizza and then I planned to watch a movie with them. Any movie they wanted. Hayden is into natural disasters; hurricanes, tornadoes, and now volcanoes. (He learned about Pompeii in school and is reading about it in a book he bought. He is mommy's little genius!) I saw on SciFi that there was a tornado movie on so we decided to watch it. We got our jammies on and they got their pillows and blankets. They love to "camp out" in the living room. I made them hot pretzels and I turned the movie on. Instead of enjoying this moment with my kids, I fixated on the salt spilling onto the couch, my feet were dirty from my flop flops, I needed to unload the dishwasher, the floor needs swept, clothes need folding, etc. etc. etc. I was getting upset with all those trivial things before I knew it the boys were asleep. I felt really bad. Then it took me about 45 minutes to get ready for bed. Checking locks, my nightly rituals, taking the dogs out, checking locks, making sure I had my phones, checking locks....Chad usually does most of these things.
Sunday was here and I thought REDEMPTION. I will make it up to them. I decided that chores can wait. But then I started to panic, I have to do laundry, I have to clean out the fridge, I need to get the Halloween decorations down, I have to get the garbage out, etc etc etc. I even made them homemade chicken noodle soup and cupcakes. They sat at the table alone and ate while I did chores and they went to bed without eating a cupcake because I got mad at them for splashing water on the bathroom floor during their bath. Now it is 9:30 pm, and I just finished cleaning the bathrooms. I called my husband and blamed him for all this because he left me with all this crap to do. Yes he could have helped me before he left, but it wasn't his fault. I wish that I could let things go. I can still look around and find something that needs to be done, and the sad thing is I may do it tonight. I am so tired of this shit. I was doing so well for the longest time. I had managed it, but it has reared it's ugly head and I am once again tortured. Life just keeps passing me by and I am stuck here holding the sponge. Tomorrow I told myself that I am going to hold Bryn all day. I love to hold her and watch TV and let her fall asleep on me. She won't want to do this much longer and I will regret not doing it. My life seems to be filled with regrets and not memories. I think I need therapy again, but I don't have time. I don't even watch TV anymore. I can't concentrate. I am so frustrated. I don't have anyone to talk to, my mom doesn't understand and she is too busy for me and Chad doesn't get it. As far as everyone else, they have their own lives. So I blog. I need to take a cue from Susan Powter and STOP THE MADNESS!