The following are actual warning labels on fireworks.
- DO NOT USE ALCOHOL WITH FIREWORKS. Please do not consume any alcohol while lighting or handling fireworks. Fireworks must be used only by individuals who act in a responsible manner and who are not under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If you are impaired in any way when you use fireworks, you increase the possibilities of misuse and injury to yourself and others. (Aren't the people using the fireworks usually drunk?)
- KEEP CLEAR OF THE FIREWORKS. Never put your head or any part of your body over the top of any fireworks product. Never look into a tube to check on the firework item. Never hold a lighted firework item in your hand. Keep as far from the firework item as possible when lighting. (Yes, people are that dumb!)
- BE CAREFUL WITH ANIMALS.The noise and lights of fireworks often frighten some animals, so it is very important that you are careful with pets and farm animals. You may want to consider moving the animals away or keeping them inside during your display. Please be considerate of your pets and animals when using fireworks. (DO NOT use in a frog's butt!)
- PURCHASE FIREWORKS FROM RELIABLE DEALERS.Buy fireworks only from reliable, licensed fireworks dealers. Licensed and reliable dealers will only carry those products that meet standards set and enforced by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. Do not use illegal explosives; do not alter any firework device; do not make your own fireworks. (Do not buy them out of the back of a pick up truck on the side of the road!)
- DO NOT TRANSPORT FIREWORKS ON AIRPLANES.It is a violation of federal aviation law to transport any fireworks device on an airplane. Please respect this law and do not attempt to carry any fireworks onto an airplane or transport them in your luggage. (If you do you will end up in a federal "pound you in the ass" prison.)
- USE FIREWORKS OUTDOORS.Never use fireworks indoors; only use them outdoors under safe conditions. (Thank you for clarifying that...I would have never thought of this!)
- NEVER USE THE FIREWORKS AS WEAPONS.Never aim, point, or throw any fireworks at another person or at any property. (This is a stick up. Don't do anything stupid. I've got a cherry bomb!)
- USE CARE IN HANDLING FIREWORKS.Do not carry fireworks in your pocket or on your person. It is preferable to keep the products in a closed container before ignition. Always be careful in handling fireworks to prevent dropping them. Never smoke when handling fireworks. (Or try to light them with your cigarette or vice versa.)
- CHILDREN SHOULD NOT HANDLE FIREWORKS.NEVER LET CHILDREN HANDLE, PLAY WITH, OR LIGHT ANY FIREWORKS. ONLY ADULTS SHOULD HANDLE AND LIGHT THE FIREWORKS. The fireworks are great family fun, but they burn very hot and are intended to be handled only by adults. (Dammit....I was going to let Bryn shoot off her first bottle rocket! Haha get it? Bottle rocket!)
Happy Birthday America!
Be safe and have a happy 4th!